Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
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*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
only 11 steps left
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest