I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
You Might Also Like
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
it’s the silliest best thing
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”