Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
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*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know