Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
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Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
brian had himself a morning…
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]