[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.