Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
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I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…