Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Wake me when AI does housework
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar