Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Perfection.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that