The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
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This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.