my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
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INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Thursday Thought.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”