the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
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If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead