You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
You Might Also Like
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Lmbo
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Breaking news:
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels