It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY