Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
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WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ