The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar