I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
You know I’m something of a chef myself
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”