Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
lmao
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.