Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
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Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.