Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
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Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.