No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball