[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
You Might Also Like
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*