Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
You Might Also Like
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]