don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
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He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Art by Pastelkatto
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My dad is at it again
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr