Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.