Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
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Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*