Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
i baked you a cake
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT