the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
You Might Also Like
My time has come.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
okay run it by me one more time
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.