The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
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Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
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Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
How much for the goth pool noodles?
starting a garage orchestra
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.