When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
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Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.