So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
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The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Buying a well is money well spent.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.