Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
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[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834