“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
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Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Day 2 of my diet
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.