[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
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I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?