*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
first you must answer his riddles
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
no regrets
Ha
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.