Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
favorite tropes as memes
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing