In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
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Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.