Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
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The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”