just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
You Might Also Like
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
and now we wait
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.