is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
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DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Ken is short for chicken
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?