Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
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[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.