You Might Also Like
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Love it! 👍😂
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*