Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly