I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
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Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
lmfao come on