my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
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*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Danger is very dangerous
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.