What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
You Might Also Like
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
If I ignore life will it go away?
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”