Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
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I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Feel. He’s so soft.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Every time my phone rings
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE