It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
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[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Our lord and savoury.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.