Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Great Canadian literature.