The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
You Might Also Like
also my go-to takeaway order
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
waiting for halloween be like:
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Probably my best painting.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”