If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?